common relationship problems
and You

There's a deeper way to look at common relationship problems than the typical advice you find online. Here's the top three results from relationship therapist articles.

  1. Financial Problems
  2. Communication Issues
  3. Conquering Trust Issues
  4. Chores and Errands
  5. Sexual Issues
  1. Affairs/infidelity/cheating
  2. Sexual problems
  3. Incompatible values and beliefs
  4. Life stages, changed, outgrown 
  5. Traumatic events

1. Not enough time together
2. Too much time together
3. Fight about same issues
4. Family conflicts, dislike in-laws
5. Opposing goals, kids or not, etc.

Rather than problems like "financial issues" "poor communication" "cheating" "quality time together" etc., we can look at the root causes of problems within each person and from there we can "unwind" or "repattern" them.

If you've searched for help with personal relationship issues at all, you've probably seen plenty of "do this - not that" advice. Be accepting and don't be critical, take responsibility and don't be defensive, be a good listener and don't be reactive, love yourself and don't put your needs last, and so on. 

If only it was that easy!  And if it was that easy, would we really need experts for that advice? 

But for most of us, we already know what we could do better. We're painfully aware - but find ourselves unable to change our patterns. Why would that be? 

Could childhood have anything to do with common relationship problems? 

No, it isn't ALL childhood. But that's the place to start. I used to "know" it was all childhood...

and I consider myself extremely fortunate to have gained deeper understanding. But "conditioning" from childhood is where we have to start.

And that a news flash?  That our "inner blocks, issues, or patterns" around relationship stem from childhood?

Heck, "common relationship problems" are called common because they are like the common house fly, the common mosquito, the common dandelion.  They are pervasive and pernicious (hard to get rid of)!  Doesn't make them any less painful -- DOES make them worth a deeper look in order to get free of them.

Okay, you say... and how does one get free of them?

Repattern What You Resonate With

That may mean next to nothing to you. Or, you don't know how. Let's unpack it a bit before we go on.

"What you resonate with" - Some examples of what people resonate with that underlie common relationship problems are:

Fears - like fear of abandonment, being hurt, alone, rejected, controlled, not good enough, acting out, ETC.
Anger, resentment, restriction, limitation
Grief, sadness, disappointment

These and much more are the stuff of everyday life, yet for those of us who had "difficult" childhoods where parents didn't or couldn't support our needs, they can be debilitating. 

Debilitating not only because that was the environment and what was learned, or conditioned, but also because there was no completion, resolution, healing. There has been lack of healing and REPATTERNING.

Repatterning what you resonate with is a "full spectrum" idea. It's simple AND complex. Just like life!

But how can you make use of this?  A simplified example may serve:

A sharp knife is commonly used to illustrate.  The knife can be used for bad or for good. The knife itself is neither.

Now let's take something like fear. It is neither bad or good. Fear stops us from doing dangerous, unwise things. Fear can also stop us from doing good, important things. So we want to resonate with fear in a way that serves us best.  

Common relationship problems are a symptom that we're resonating with "stuff" that isn't serving. There is room for improvement, for a shift that will make life better. That can make relationships better.

When you repattern what you resonate with, you identify what you resonate with that doesn't serve and you often see how you started to resonate with it (often in childhood).  You can identify lots of "threads" that are part of the problem and you can heal and shift into resonating with something better. 

People and relationships have more going on than meets the eye. In fact, it is widely held that we are consciously aware of 5-10% of what is going on with ourselves. Freud coined the idea and modern neuroscience supports it. 

Illustration of Freud's Iceberg Theory of conscious, subconscious and unconscious shows the bigger, deeper causes of common relationship problemsChildhood conditioning is the underlying cause of most common relationship problems

For just about anything that we are aware of, most of the energy pattern is below awareness.  If you can SHIFT that deeper energy, the tip of the iceberg changes more successfully.

A real-life example on the physical level:  When I went through menopause, it was popular to apply Yam cream on the skin to balance hormones - it was the "holistic" thing to do.  

My inner guidance prompted me to see a licensed internist. He showed me a pyramid (like the food pyramid) only it was physical systems (digestive, respiratory, etc.)  He explained that if I balanced my gut/digestive system (foundation) it would affect my hormones. Only after that settled would it make sense to address hormones directly. And sure enough, doing that alone has balanced my hormones PERFECTLY for the last 10 years. 

At the risk of being long-winded, this is important to grasp. "Repatterning what you resonate with" is how you get the best long-term, solid, stable (base of the pyramid) deep changes for common relationship problems. 

I think of it as, "Take care of the pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves."  Being respectfully mindful of the myriad small things IS what adds up to the big things. Like good vocabulary makes good sentences and good sentences make good paragraphs --and so on. 

But what about "don't sweat the small stuff?" 
Yes, it IS all small stuff.
And it's "the little things that count the most."  

I used to be dismissive. I had to learn the hard way.
So, please forgive my soapbox, I'm bit of a convert!