Fear of Relationships:
How To create safety 

Your fear of relationships is there to protect you - 

but take care that it doesn't sabotage what you really want...

What you want now (love, trust, intimacy, strength, independence) --- none of that can happen without safety because your system always seeks safety first. 

When we lack safety we protect ourselves. That is natural and mostly unconscious (you don't "choose it", it chooses you!)

Feeling SAFE becomes the priority and becomes a pattern. Creating safety, even if it sabotages what we really want, becomes our shadow, a part of ourselves that's difficult to see. And it sabotages the closeness we so deeply want and need. 

Protection created a pattern that can block the flow of love now in the present. But it doesn't have to be a life sentence.

Explore your primary energetic protection pattern so you can heal and change your stress responses to relationships. Which TYPE of behavior do you do? Anger? Avoidance? Criticism?  The Five TYPES are down below. 

Take a long slow look at HOW you DO being hurt. First just gain more awareness and be sure to do this with nothing but kindness toward yourself.

By healing and resolving the hurt that is inside you can shift your fear of relationship patterns.

People tell me they need to understand their abandonment issues.  There is nothing wrong with understanding - but it doesn't heal.  People assume that understanding leads to healing but it is healing that leads to understanding.

Illustration of woman dragging heavy broken heart behind her

Understanding is the mind looking for cause and effect in the situation that caused pain in the past. Healing is about you, healing is about not getting in your own way. Healing is about something NEW and NOW.

So why not get straight to the point? Which is to learn what helps you heal. No need to get complex about understanding your fear of relationships - you've been hurt.  The people around you were also hurt (they come later). You first.

Heart Protector Energy for Fear of Relationships

The Heart (and Heart Protector) Energy are of the Fire Element. The wisdom of the Fire Element says that we must feel safe before all else.  Intimacy, closeness, warmth, fun, love - none of that can happen without safety first. So isn't it interesting that working with the Heart Protector is working with hurts.

Make Sense So Far?  
Let me summarize 

  1. Fear of relationships comes from hurts
  2. Hurts and fear sabotage love (because we go into protection patterns we can't see).  
  3. Safety (The Heart Protector) is about healing hurts, NOT being in protection mode.
  4. Begin with supporting & activating Heart Protector Energy
  5. Follow with shifting and balancing your energy field and how you DO hurts

Illustration of woman on tight rope. The energy behind your fear of relationships can be faced and balanced. It takes more than just the mind.

Bring your inner relationship energy into balance:

  • Learning about how YOU "do" hurts or rather, how you "do" seeking safety, is the first step in bringing balance and strength to your need for safety.
  • You can bring more awareness and choice into your energy field.
  • Learn about the Five Elements as they live and express with you and your energy around relationships

There is Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal and Water.  In acupuncture, all of creation is broken down into Five Elements.

Each person has all five  - but we each have ONE dominant element.

Five Elements Twelve Meridians

The Five Elements are not complicated or intellectual. They are BASIC. Fire = Warmth. Water = Flow, and so on, like that.

These BASIC energies bring powerful healing to our complicated lives. When we can see simple energy patterns, we can call in healing support where we are out of balance.  

The healing energy helps us understand life, people, ourselves. Even our own shadow patterns get clearer. Learning how we do hurt gives clues about our dominant element.

          1.     Look at the Five Elements and the basic safety patterns of each one.
          2.     Then bring some soothing healing energy touch to support your Heart Protector.

How do you do “hurt”?  Which Element do you most resonate with?

 1.  I tend toward anger-blame-criticism-judgments... WOOD:  I protect myself with my (anger-blame-criticism-judgments) but then I feel alone and angry because people keep their distance from me.

 2.    I either avoid or become a victim in relationships...FIRE:  I am a victim of abusive relationships or I avoid intimate relationship to avoid being hurt.

 3.   I nurture and give (even those who hurt me)...EARTH:  I nurture the one who hurts me in the hope they will stop hurting me.

 4.   I withdraw/disconnect...METAL:  I protect myself by (withdrawing-disconnecting) but I feel alone, empty and depressed.

 5.   I am over-powering and/or rigid with fear...WATER:  I protect myself by having power over another, or I maintain rigid self-control. My fear makes closeness difficult or impossible.

I hope you'll reflect and receive the gifts of the Elements.  

For now, set your INTENTION and SAY out loud:  "I release my unconscious self-protection. I feel safe that I can trust appropriately. I have the inner resources to live fully from an open, protected heart in the present." 

Help your energy field shift toward feeling protected and safe deep inside EVEN while taking risks in relationship, EVEN while facing your fear of relationship.  Remember the Five Elements? the Heart Protector is part of the FIRE Element. Strengthen your heart protector energy.  Here are two energy points to support your FIRE ELEMENT Heart Protector Meridian.  

Healing Points for Fear of Relationship

1.    HOLD THIS ENERGY POINT TO CLEANSE and CONNECT with harmony, peace and light and to release wounds, shame, toxicity and blame. To find the point, hold left arm palm side up, ¼ of the way from wrist to elbow in the center of the arm. Visualize white light at your fingertip holding the point, light pouring into the point. (HP5 METAL Point)

 2.    HOLD THIS ENERGY POINT TO SHARE warmth, closeness, friendliness. To bring new possibilities to your isolation and renew and rejuvenate and thus reduce unhealthy neediness. To find the point, hold left palm face up, curl fingers into fist. Where the tip of the middle finger hits the palm is the point. Press the point with a finger on the right hand (release the fist).  Visualize red light pouring through fingertip into the point . (HP8 FIRE point) 

(It is fine to do the right side, or both sides – best is to ask your body, a great habit to develop.)

Top of Homepage:  Relationship Help

Go to Self Help with Relationships: Your Relationship to Relationships