Self help with relationships has to begin with the most important piece of the puzzle - YOU.
In order to dig deep and make real changes, you have to begin with being sort of like a therapist for yourself. You have to see what is going on under the surface that is contributing to the problems from your end.
But when you do this inquiry, the first thing that happens - almost automatically - is feeling like you are flawed, bad and wrong, broken, shameful and so on.
So you REALLY need to make a promise to yourself that you will "hold the healing space".
WHEN you do the "Bad Me" thing (because you will) - notice that you are doing it. Just notice. Don't scold yourself or feel like you are messing up. But DO be aware. Do hold yourself with love, compassion, understanding, and FAITH.
You CAN learn to be a WIZARD at self help with relationships! So get out your pointy hat and magic wand. (I actually do have both!)
Have faith that you are starting on this path because you know that you ARE changing. You are in a process. So don't let your learning curve discourage (or define) you.
I've written some questions for you to consider. As much as possible, just notice how your "state of being" - your "inner environment" is affected by looking at this stuff.
Don't think and analyze and solve. It is practicing relaxing around highly charged feelings that IS the self help with relationships that you need.
These questions can be painful, so remember--
if you can't feel it, you can't heal it
Loving kindness supports you in facing and healing your feelings.
We all carry a certain energy or "vibe" around relationships. Yes, different kinds of relationships have different vibes. One vibe for friends, one for lovers, children, family, colleagues, etc.
Underneath each of them, however, is a primary "you in relationship to relationship" vibe. Each of these different vibes come from the same place and they each affect the whole.
And be sure to notice the YOU in relationship to YOU vibe. The YOU in relationship to self help with relationships! Watch your vibe...don't shame it, just name it.
It makes sense, doesn't it? That there is an energy or vibe that you are carrying (which is NOT your fault or your flaw - not at ALL).
No, it is more like a learned "INNER ENVIRONMENT" that affects your entire life in painful ways that you can't even SEE. Like a fish can't see water.
One more time...as you consider these questions in your self help with relationships journey, hold yourself with love and compassion. Something created your hurt...YOU didn't. Take on a detached, brave "can do" kind of spirit.
You can think of it like an old piece of shrapnel that needs to be removed and cleaned. It isn't YOU...it isn't who you ARE...it isn't who you SET OUT TO BE.
These questions are just a sample of the kind of self help with relationships explorations it is good to do.
What are some other areas of inquiry that fit your history?
Remember, each type of relationship "vibe" that you carry affects them all. The good news is bringing healing to any one of them also positively affects them all.
Continue with more Self Help On Relationships
Is it stirring up some stuff? Anything seem like it was kind of "unconscious" before now?
Are you noticing some fears that you carry? Like fear of rejection or fear of being alone? Fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy or fear of commitment?
Are you getting the sense that it IS a good idea to work on your own relationship stuff -- before you focus on a particular relationship?
Do you notice a tendency to focus on what the OTHER person is doing, thinking, feeling, saying? Do you notice how AFFECTED you are by the other person?
Go to the link below to continue
with important relationships self help in part two
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Continue to Part Two: Self Help On Relationships
Go to Fear of Relationships: Create An Energy of Safety
Go to Intimacy Definition: Stop the Slow Death of Relationship
Go to Self Help Social Anxiety: The most effective social anxiety self help is going to be based on deep understanding and clarity on root causes before anything else.
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By Laura Frisbie, M.Ed., C.R.R.P.
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